Once upon a time, not so long ago, when romantic movies were ‘porn’ free and girls believed in Cinderella and other fairy tales, people believed you would naturally end up with ‘a ‘or ‘the’ prince when you grew up; and almost every little girl had dreams of her wedding day…
I on the other hand dreaded the thought of being married. I may have fantasized about it once or twice in the distant corners of my mind, but dreaded the reality, because like all fairy tales, I observed that life always came knocking when story ended and in reality there seemed to be no real ‘happily ever after’.
As a believer, I had no fear of the future, save one ‘little’ thing- marriage.
Here was my dilemma; the same movies that told us that you could meet a guy and in a second know that you were destined to be together, also celebrated marriages breaking up in less than three months. Reality didn’t offer much comfort either.
I thought to myself: Who wants to be someone else’s personal slave and sex toy for the rest of their lives? As a woman you give your father’s name, ambition, and sense of independence away in exchange for chores,’ nanny’ duties, a diamond ring and extra pounds of weight… No thanks.
One fateful December I got a call. “Babes, I’ve been posted to… I’d like us to get married…” at those words, time stopped, and I didn’t hear anything else he said after that… (Sorry sweetie!) Being miles and cities away, a phone call was the quickest to initiate this conversation, thank God he did not get to see the expression on my face.
I lived in comatose denial, having accepted the proposal but being terrified of the ‘reality’ I was in; even when he came to see my father and my father ‘popped’ open the wine of acceptance.
It started to become real when one evening ‘sweetim’ told me to close my eyes and when I opened them, he placed a ring in my hand. Out of loyalty I wore the ring everywhere till one day, the ‘rock’ fell off. It could have easily been fixed, but to me, it was a sign that this marriage thing was a very bad idea.
I found my behaviour strange, knowing that the average girl dreams of her wedding, but not me. I even had a friend who had picked out her wedding dress and didn’t have a groom! I could not bring myself to choose a wedding colour (to be used for the planning) for months, much less choose a wedding theme.
Lucky for me, I had darling (pest) for a sister and close friend whose encouragement and support helped get the planning done- hubby chose the colours eventually-. Unknown to those around me, everything in those months was an unexciting blur; I somehow managed to get the through the wedding prep and got to the altar in one piece.
On the wedding day, I was the first one to wake up at home- having barely slept. I did chores as much as I could before everyone woke up to start the wedding frenzy, as though it was an ordinary day, except that my boxes were packed…
The veil worked to my advantage, hiding the tears that slowly trickled down my face as I held my father’s arm to the altar. I have no idea why I was scared, but I guess that is what they call ‘cold feet’ or ‘wedding anxiety’.
When I got to the altar and my veil was lifted, I looked at the groom. He did not have the commonly expected ‘you take my breath away’ look at the sight of me in my wedding gown. He simply said, “Good Morning!” beaming his “32” teeth at me. And right in the service, we were talking like we were the only two people in the world.
That’s when I knew that I had made the right decision. I had prayed, fasted, sought counselling but nothing had soothed me as much as that simple conversation that I had with my husband at our wedding service.
I believe saying ‘I do’, were the best words I have said since saying ‘Yes’ to Christ. I truly believe I married my best friend, and it was God’s mercy and grace that led me to decide I’m forever grateful for.
Marriage has destroyed many lives, but I believe that it is building mine and making me a better person. Not because we are perfect,
There is a secret I was taught at an early age to landing your ‘dream’ man, I now pass on to you:
LISTEN: To your heart, to your God, it never lies. If we wait long enough, if we are quiet, we will hear the still small voice that stirs us in the right direction when fear and friends are gone. Every good marriage is built on the ability to listen to yourself, and to the heart of your partner. You must listen to everything he or she does to choose right. Of course, listen to God more than you depend on what you see.
ACCEPT: Marriage isn’t what your partner can do for you, or how perfect they are. Its success is built around how much you both are willing to give and grow yourselves, your time and how ready you are to accept their weaknesses. I have always believed that acceptance is key to understanding and compatibility. I stand to be challenged on this matter!
Now ‘dear children’ (grin), remember that the magic only works when we do both. Most people are foolish enough to accept ALL the mistakes before marriage (and do nothing about it) and end in disaster because they refuse to listen to reason and wisdom. On the other hand, people’s marriages have ended because they listened to relatives, friends and their own doubt; instead of accepting the total package of their partner’s strengths and flaws.
There is no perfect marriage, or hard and fast rules to picking a life partner, but one thing I know is that for it to work, you must be willing to ‘lose’ in love’s battle. Here’s foolproof advice: Loose yourself in God to the point that someone will have to find him to find you, and can’t get you (no matter how you feel about him/her) till they have the Master’s approval, and your heart will never be broken… How do I know? I am living proof!
And to the married folks, please please please learn to listen to your partner, don’t shut them out, shut them up or shut them down. It is important to keep listening to each other’s hearts till death do you part. Accept them for who they are and the changes they make because of you and don’t forget to give “it” up every now and then to re-ignite and maintain the passion; if you don’t know what “it” means, look up the words “love” and “making” together in the dictionary! I’m out!